New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
