I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
