God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
