So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
