Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Use "feeling words"
Yay
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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