The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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