I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
