I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize