He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
