i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
