I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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