I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i love accidental penises.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
