apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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