Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize