dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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