I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
