He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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