it hurts more in the daytime
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
