I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
