What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
