dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
