Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
