Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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