Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
