guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
