why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
