my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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