Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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