Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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