Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The power of my boobs compel you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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