this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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