I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
