ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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