I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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