i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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