i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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