Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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