They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
