Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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