By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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