It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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