Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
