I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
