im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I party with great urgency now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
