Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
