so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
