I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
