You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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