We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So squirting runs in the family.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
