I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
