my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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