Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
