Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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