he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
