if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize