she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
