We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
