The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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