I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't deserve a penis
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
