Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
