why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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