Don't make out with my wife yet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
