Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
