i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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